Susan Farrell Bankhead, Certified Genealogist (sm)
Skeletons in the Closet: Do You Let Them Out?
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Have you found a skeleton in your closet, some deep secret that the family never talked about or never new about? I have.
I have found more than one, but I’ll tell you about one. In compiling a family history I discovered one lady had been married previous to her current husband but no one knew about it. She requested I not put information about her first marriage in the book because her children did not know about it and she didn’t want them to find out about it in a book.
There are some who claim to have no skeletons in their closet, that they’re family never did ANYTHING wrong. Really?
Every family I’ve searched has had some kind of skeleton. Most families have experienced something they kept quiet whether it was a child born out of wedlock, alcoholism, drug abuse, debtor’s prison, suicide, robbery, or even murder!
Now that you know about your skeleton the question for today is, “What do you do about it?”
Do you:
- Pretend you didn’t find out about it and hide it under the rug? Problem is, even skeletons cannot be hidden under a rug.
- Make a note of it, but hide it in your research and don’t tell the family? What if there’s a family history of depression leading to suicide. I think your family would want to know about it to prevent future problems.
- Bring it out of the closet and publish it for all the world to see? Maybe not. But maybe you can treat it tactfully and with some empathy for those involved.
- Wait until it’s a better time to tell others, but keep a record in your files? If it’s still too sensitive an issue, time has a way of healing old wounds.
- Condemn the offender for their actions? We should not be their judge. Maybe in light of their times, you would not be so quick to condemn.
There is no across the board answer to all these questions. You have to treat each case individually with the perspective of that time and place and with sensitivity to those who may be hurt by such a revelation. Only you can answer that.
The bottom line is: We are not writing a fiction story.
We are recreating the family history. If it’s an event that needs to be shared, I think we can reveal things without bringing out all the gory details and plastering it on a billboard. We could even cite some sources for “further information” if the reader needs it.
In the case of the family history I was writing, I honored her request. She didn’t have any children from the prior marriage, nor did I have any other reason that the information would need to be immortalized. Later, long after the book was published, she told her children about her previous marriage. If I ever publish a revised edition, I’ll get permission from her to include it at that time.
What will you do with your skeletons? Someday when the time is right, maybe I’ll share my skeletons with you.
Well Susan I have found a few troubling things in my family. One general comment I could make is that when a branch of the ancestors is not well known, there may be some reasons for that. If it was all sunshine and roses and white picket fences, those stories would probably have been handed down. Personally I think that finding the troubling things can only help you understand the burdens on those immediate descendents. But to share the information? Such a difficult question.
Diane: You present a very good point about the branch not being well known may have some reasons behind that. Sometimes they want to put distance from the unpleasant things. Isn’t it great, however, to finally begin to understand their lives. Thank you!
I also have found a few skeletons in my tree. I feel lucky that my family is open to listening to all of the information I have found. It ususally leads to some interesting conversations. More than not, I find we feel for our ancestors and their troubles. It helps explain who they became and how it effected future generations. Some of our skeletons have become our favorite stories in our family.
Thank you for sharing Sierra! I agree that as we share the stories we can definitely feel for the trials and troubles our ancestors had to go through.
I certainly found my share on my grandfather’s side of the family. Now that it won’t hurt anyone, I will share them with my family.
I agree Ruth. Sometimes we have to wait so it won’t hurt anyone.
I blogged about this a few months back and got a varied response. Some felt that you should reveal everything and others that you should take it on a case by case basis. I agree with the second group. A revelation about someone born in the 1880s probably isn’t going to matter. A revelation about someone’s mother could cause problems and be hurtful. As a genealogist you need to weight whether to reveal something and if you do how to go about it.
I had one instance of where I proved a woman’s long time legend about their father being a stowaway (not so much a skeleton, but earthshaking to the family). I chose not to reveal it to the person because she was in her 80s and was ill. I felt that telling her would be more hurtful that anything. But, I have the information and if her children become interested I will tell them.
I also had a situation where I found out someone’s Mother had been married more times than I thought. I revealed it to one person not closely related and that person let it out before I had a chance to decide on what to do with the new information. It ended up causing a huge problem. In think in the case it was how the family found out and not so much what the information was.
I’ve uncovered many secrets in my tree especially from newspaper research. Some of them add depth to the tree and I have no problems adding them to the information. But one does need to think things through before revealing family secrets.
Mel: Thank you for your insightful comment. I appreciate hearing about your experience and how you handled various cases. I agree the 80 year old lady didn’t need to hear about the skeleton, and how things got out of hand when you shared information before the “revelation” could be dealt with in a diplomatic way. I look forward to checking out YOUR blog!